This is a list of the possible things I will do with my new found freedom. I reserve the right to change the list at any time according to my whim. If you think this list is frivolous and totally unrealistic – bite me (even though I mostly agree with you).

• My house will be so clean every day will be mother-in-law-is-coming-over day, instead of doing a hyper clean whenever the door bell rings.
• My dog will be so trained he’ll ask me if I want lime when he fetches my vodka tonic, instead of looking at me straight in the eye as he pisses on the rug in the spot I cleaned two hours ago.
• I think I’ll think about doing a triathlon. Not because I’ll like it, but simply because it’s a good thing to check off my life list; and because it’s kind of embarrassing to see your almost 60 year old father run, bike, and swim laps around you, while you limp to the couch because you sprained your hip reaching for the TV remote.
• My reading list will include more books outside of the Mind-Candy category I’ve been so fond of lately.
• I’ve always wanted to go dirt bike racing for some reason?
• My workouts will be numerous, consistent, and dare I say…enjoyable??? Rather than sparse, sporadic, and including the occasional curse about Satan inventing treadmills; and fantasies about living on an island that only allows people fatter than me. An island where I’m served chicken fried everything by all the girls I’ve known who could eat whatever they want and not gain an ounce (but once they hit 29 they’re now fatter than me, hence their appearance on Chicken Fried Island.)
• My legs will be shaved more than once a month.
• My dishes will be rinsed and go directly into the dishwasher, thus my poor fat cat will probably lose weight and plot revenge by puking in my shoes.
• My shoes will always be put up on their shoe tree in the closet.
• I might disprove my brown thumb and start a garden? Or maybe just buy a plant and see how long before it commits suicide.
• My meals will be so healthy, delish, and homemade that Oprah will want to do an episode about me, my book, my video series, and my new show on the Food Network. (Then we’ll cry about our struggle with the evils of fried chicken and give away a car to an Ethiopian kid who can’t afford gas.)
• My laundry will be ironed, hung, and folded instead of piled on the couch acting as an expensive cat lounge, or even better, sitting forgotten in the washing machine for so long that I have to wash it again (sometimes twice, ewww).
• All my friends and family member’s birthdays will be remembered in a timely manner and celebrated with more than just “I’ll buy you a drink the next time we’re out!” or “What do you mean you didn’t get my cookie bouquet and sonnet?!”
• I should probably do some kind of volunteer work. I’m thinking of helping out at a feline animal shelter my friend Kim works for. But I’m afraid I’ll want to take home every cat I see and I can NOT have any more cats because whenever you have over two cats people look at you funny.
• I will take dance lessons and finally be able to do that Dirty Dancing/Jennifer Grey flying leap thing.
• I’ve always wanted to be a bar tender in a smallish upscale bar but I think perhaps I’ve glamorized it, because the first time I hear a macheezmo remark about my rack I’ll probably be fired for insulting his hair plugs and micro penis.
• All my numerous business ideas will be so thoroughly researched that I’ll be able say I haven’t done it yet because I know it’s a bad idea, not because I don’t have the time.
• I will finally have Mom teach me to sew, make all my own clothes, and never have the urge to buy something just because it fits me even though it’s tag says it’s a size smaller than what I usually am.
• Our finances will be so organized I’ll be able to tell Husband exactly how much of his retirement he spent on Starbucks Venti Unsweet Black Iced Tea last quarter.
• I will go to sleep and wake up at a decent hour and not revert back to the circadian rhythm of my college years – 4am to 12pm.
• I will wash my face, brush my teeth and put on decent clothing EVERY day. But I reserve the right to be bra-optional.
• I will go to museums, educate myself on prehistoric mollusks and ponder the intrinsic worth of post modern cubism.
• My blog will be updated daily, okay, every other day, okay, only when I have something worthy??? We’ll see…

If you have an idea for an item to add to this list, you can add it as a comment. If I really like it, you can follow the blog to see if I do it, thus living vicariously through my grand experiment.

Read the first post You know you’ve thought about it