Long story short.

No. I did not shell out thousands of my Hiatus dollars for the chance to see up the Material Girl’s flimsy costume material. Instead, I was lucky enough to be born as the daughter of a decadent mother who bought four primo tickets the day they came out, and then decided a European cruise was no competition for the catty pleasure of sighting a wrinkle on Madonna’s well-kempt face. So she sold two of the tickets and gave me the others, knowing that the only person in the world I would dream of taking would be the only person we both knew could truly appreciate it…

There are four things that make him the only person I would dream of taking:

1. Brandon has been my best friend since the 9th grade, and thus a close friend of the family (calls my parents “Mom” and “Dad” etc).
2. He’s as gay as the day is long and we know how much the gay’s love their Madonna!
3. He works in the music industry, currently producing music videos (he’s such a bad ass he’s been nominated for a Grammy and a CMA!)
4. He’s just too FABULOUS not to take to a Madonna concert!

So when Brandon heard the news, he was able to grace me with his presence for 17 hours – to fly into town, go to the concert, hit the dance floor at our favorite gay club, get three hours of sleep on my couch and then hop on a plane for a 10am meeting with a music artist (no, I’m not going to name them).

But it was well worth it.

Now I must preface this by saying that I’m not a huge Madonna fan. I think her music is good, but I mostly admire her for her business savvy and determination. But after going to the concert I have a new reason to admire The Bitch – her body is a awe inspiring. The Bitch (which I now feel the need to call her since I’m crazy jealous of her body) is in her fifties and has zero body fat, sculpted muscles (but not too body builder-like), a teeny tiny waist, glowing skin, and not a wrinkle in sight. She is the ultimate aesthetic example of what determination and science can achieve. Hopefully by the time I’m her age, science will catch up and it won’t take so much determination, cause I can tell you right now – I don’t got it!

So while Brandon was slack jawed at her iconic presence and complicated production details of her show, I just kept staring at her thighs. Yes, I was a waste of such a good ticket, but looking around us, so were many of the people we were sitting with. Before the show, one particularly annoying girl in front of us kept loudly reciting how much she paid for her ticket ($4000). It didn’t take long for Brandon to turn to me in a loud voice and repeatedly say “Oh my god, I hate her.” Instead of Brandon getting into a cat fight with her and her Gucci handbag, I encouraged him to use his super powers by capturing her on film and use it in his next video diatribe about Stupid People. When Brandon asked her to repeat herself for his camera she was more than willing to bat her eyelashes, purse her lips and repeat her mantra in her oh so charming valley-girl accent. After wards, I looked at her and said in a foreboding voice, “You have no idea where that might end up one day.” Eying me wearily, she bouncily turned around and kept to herself the rest of the show. Ahhhhh, life would be so boring without Stupid People.

I took these pictures with my iPhone so the quality isn’t great. But you get the idea.

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